Living

    I asked one of my sweet friends to share this week’s devotional. Her writing is beautiful but her heart, even more beautiful. If you have suffered a loss of any kind, this devotional will speak such comfort & encouragement to you! And please let my friend know just how much this blessed you!It has been two years since my brother Kyle has gone home to heaven. It feels weird to type out his name. Even though I still think of him daily and speak to him often,  I don’t really write out his name anymore. In fact, I don’t really say it out loud much anymore either. It is these little realizations that make me take pause. It is these little things that knock me back into reality. It is still so easy to allow myself to think that maybe he will just come walking through the door and ask for an RC Cola.  That image alone simultaneously puts a smile on my face and draws tears to my eyes. Every once in a while, thoughts of him still take my breath away, and I have to consciously and purposefully hold back tears and file the memory away until a more appropriate time. Is that weird? I hope not.Losing Kyle has forced me to look at life differently. I can truthfully and wholeheartedly say that I have been able to see myself and life in a whole new way.  To be completely honest,  two years ago after the funeral, after visitors went home and all of the leftover food was eaten, after the cards and condolences stopped, and after we all went back to the day to day living, something did not feel right. Yes, Kyle was gone, and we were all trying to figure out how to cope without falling apart. But, there was something else. I not only felt the loss, but I also felt lost. I had just spent five years of my life helping my brother and his family, and now that they did not need an extra caregiver anymore, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really know who I was. I remember walking into my house one day, closing the door, and standing in the quiet of my kitchen looking around and thinking, “Now what?”I never have, nor ever will regret those five years. I will always be grateful that I was able to spend so much time with him. But when life got quiet again, I remember thinking, “What was I doing before?” “Who was I before?” “Where was I headed?” “What was I dreaming about?” I couldn’t remember. At the time, it didn’t seem to matter either.I spent that first year grieving his loss. I didn’t really realize it at the moment, but I was. I have learned that grief manifests itself in different ways. I look back and see the often hidden struggle of just trying to make it through the day. Staying afloat without looking like I was trying was the goal. However, this past year was a little different. This last year, I attempted to find my way through the grief and find myself again. It has been easier said than done. As much as I wanted to move on and move forward, it felt like every time I tried, I got stuck. Moving forward felt heavy and fearful. All of me wanted to dream and wish and hope and enjoy and for some reason, in my mind, I kept telling myself that if I did these things if I moved on, I left Kyle behind. If I enjoyed the things I loved, then I was neglecting him.  Why did living my life feel like I was forgetting his?I had to overcome this untruth before I drowned in it, but I didn’t know how. Enter friends and family. It is amazing how God knows us so much better than we know ourselves. It is amazing how much He loves us! So much that He sends help before we realize we need it – before we even ask for it. For me, He sent people to speak truth to me. Hard truths that I needed to hear. Truths to snap me out of my faulty thinking. Truths to remind me of myself. Truths to remind me of who God is. I am grateful that the people who love me loved me enough to not let me drown. I am grateful that the people who really see me the way God sees me, call it out to my face and speak it to my heart.

When your mind believes an untruth, the way to overcome that untruth is to replace it with real truth.

Just ask Mrs. Rachel Hollis. She can testify. Reminding myself of this each and every day was and still is necessary to start actually living again. Seeing myself for who God has called me to be, who He wants me to be, who I am becoming happened as soon as I started walking forward again.  I had to first dig myself out of the pit of untruths that had me bogged down and stagnant. And when this happened, I realized some things.1.) My life is not defined by the loss of my brother.Therefore, moving on with my life does not mean that I am forgetting him. I am not leaving him behind because I am moving on. I take him with me. In my heart. In my memory. I realize I will never be who I was before, and that is ok. I use what I have learned through this experience to be a better version of myself. I allow the hurts and fears and confusions and questions to help me grow and change and move forward. That is what will honor his memory.2.) Time never has and never will heal all wounds.I think part of me thought that if I just waited it out, things would get better. Life would get easier. I am not sure who made up that saying, but I am calling that out as a complete untruth. I shake my head in thinking how ignorant it sounds to me now. It may take time to heal hurts and wounds, but time does NOT do the healing. God heals. He sends His mercies and graces every day in every form to speak to your heart and your soul to restore and refresh. It is your job to look and listen and take that first step back into who He has called you to be.3.) Not everything happens for a reason.I cringe when I hear people say this. It has caused me to waste time wondering why my brother had to suffer and lose his battle with cancer. Why him? Why not me? Why not someone else who doesn’t care about others? I could be searching for a reason into eternity, but I will not do this. There may not be a reason, and maybe there is. I don’t know. But, I do know this – I will not wonder or question it any longer. I will not entertain that statement. Why? Because…4.) God is good.Come rain or shine. Heartache or joy. Struggle or ease. GOD IS GOOD. AND He works everything out for the good of those who love Him! Period. End of story. God is real, and He is good. No matter the circumstance, outcome, problem, event, environment, or moment that I find myself in – good or bad, loss or gain, in comfort or fear- God is still good. It is who He is. He cannot be anything less. And Kyle – my Kyle – is in His arms right now, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am sitting in those same arms as I step out in faith into the unknown of tomorrow.